Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic

Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods

“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

“Please continue to hold…”

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:

1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come

Morning my dudes.

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.

me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools

Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

*knocks on bathroom stall wall*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

“Huh? What?”

It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]

all bases covered

Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask

Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me

Husband: But it’s just us and we are home

Me: *tightening mask*

Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???

(team meeting)

boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?

me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.

boss:

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside

ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok

When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.