My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
You Might Also Like
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.