Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine

I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING

I made a robot to help me argue on the internet

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake

Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving

Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords

Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

Brb my Sims are getting married

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”

Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White clothes: lol same.

Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

😅😅😅

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.