Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”

Yup!

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.

Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.

Me: What’s your name please?

Customer: Hal

Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?

Customer: Harold

Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah

Boss: Could you ever just don’t?

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker

When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning

Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.

nobody:
my fish before I fry it:

Mike is short for Micycle

*has no idea what a book even is*