My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
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“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour