Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater

“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.

Cow Teacher:
Did you regurgitate enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then please

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.

My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,

I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

[Cop flashes headlights behind me]

WIFE: I think he wants you to stop

ME: No I think he wants a street race

[A few minutes later]

ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.

I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross

Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part

[watching The Notebook]

Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year

Me: I bet each one just said, Hey