My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
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Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.