My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
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RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Only a mother’s love …
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on