My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
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Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.