Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FtzDMT0WcAEQJRv.mp4

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: that’s a mandolin

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?

8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!

Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.

P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

Friend: ow I just cut my finger

Me: ouch

Friend: can u put a bandaid on it

Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp

i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar

HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this

Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?

Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.

😍😂🥰😂😍

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”

Wait a second…

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”