My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
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KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!