My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
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I don’t like video “games” where you gotta run around collecting shit. You’re not fooling me. Those are errands
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
as is their right
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear