Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

*gets into any creepy van*

*Gets kicked out*

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”

– The Swiss Army

thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow

Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!

*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!

I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.

Wow your dad must be a rich man.

No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.

I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.

For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

me when i see my girls butt

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “

Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!

Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.

Her:

Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?

what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.