Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.

Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?

At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.

Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.

My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.

[choking to death on a sushi roll]

CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.

Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.

The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.

The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.

I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.

“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”

Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?

Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.

No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.

my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string

Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.

I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.

Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.