Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest were not-E.

i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

ME: my wife and i are having a baby!

FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?

ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.

Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.

medusa but her hair is an anaconda

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.

Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great

mugger: gimme your wallet

me: me or her?

mugger: I don’t care

me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner

[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling

[at a mattress store]

sales assistant: what size are you looking for?

me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!

Don’t beat an alive horse either.

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

consequences, the bane of my existence

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.