My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
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Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Somewhere in an alternate universe
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks