My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
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The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
thank god
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Am I having a stroke?
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room