Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

ME: Help! Boa constrictor!

BOA: Actually, I’m a python.

ME: Help! Boa contradictor!

My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?

Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC

Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

3: Can I be Cinderella?

Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.

3:

Me: Well?

3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit

Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.

Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is

My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?

ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.

Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.

can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others

Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight

Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month

Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan

Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.

My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again

my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!

Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!

Job interviewer:…and a weakness?

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.