Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure

Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about

[inserting row in excel]

Excel: copy font format from the row above?

Me: no I’ll handle it

Excel: and copy border from below?

Me: no why?

Excel: idk :/

Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?

Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

[2 days into diet]

Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change

Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.

It’s called “Camera”.

Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?

Me: 100%

Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.

bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again

Me: what the hell…I already did this hour

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!

My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed

I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up

I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.

I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.

Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?

Me: Why? What’ve you got?