My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
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ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Nothing.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers