My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
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My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.