Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school

Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…

Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!

Genie:

Me:

Genie:

Me: Shit.

[My wedding]

Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.

Me: But my dress has pockets!

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.

The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.

👮‍♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮‍♂️

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?

~ asking for my cat

Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive

I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable

Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name

Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.

My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.

LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!

#NationalLazyDay

My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”

*men apologize for their weakness*

*women apologize for their strength*

*aliens probe neither*

Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.

*quits cold turkey*

*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*