My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
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Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
tis the season
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.