My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
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Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.