It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
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Being a single man has to be depressing when you think that even a guy like Hitler had a girlfriend.
My dog would like you to know that there are many many good sticks out there
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
No one realizes when someone says, “The last thing I wanna do is hurt you,” that basically implies: there is a list, hurting you is on it.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!