My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

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“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.


Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do


Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.


the characters from friends actually represent all seven deadly sins

the monkey:
ross: pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth


I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.


Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”


[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u


I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.


CW:where are you going?
Me:trying to prevent an awkward conversation between two people
Me:me and you