@GoldenSpirals

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

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@LaniBeno

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

@Xoolun

Being a single man has to be depressing when you think that even a guy like Hitler had a girlfriend.

@six_2_and_even

My dog would like you to know that there are many many good sticks out there

@T_N_Crumpets

Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive

@DrakeGatsby

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[quarantine routine]

7am: woke up

8am: fell out of bed

9am: dragged a comb across my head

10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup

11am: looking up I noticed I was late

12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat

1pm: made tiktoks with my cat

@highxpectation2

No one realizes when someone says, “The last thing I wanna do is hurt you,” that basically implies: there is a list, hurting you is on it.

@Megatronic13

Waiter: would you like a water?

Me: ew, gross.

Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?

Me: tempting.

Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?

Me: [nods] indeed.

@heyitsJudeD

Me: dance like no one’s watching!

Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!