Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES

SE: -on your sandwich?

ME: FIXER PUPPER

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

5: Whose car is this?

Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?

5: Mine.

a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start

Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve

Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.

Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…

I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine

A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.

Maybe I should move.

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.

It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.