My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
