My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I have two kinds of followers
But wait…
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Children of the corn 🌽
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
old twitter is back baby
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
