My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Better luck next time champ
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
