My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
You Might Also Like
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Had to try this trend 😊
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane