My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
