My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
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[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]