Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he

Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?

April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.

“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”

-Disney’s Frozen

I paused the movie to tweet this…

Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: I said no.

The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”

This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

Do that thing I like.

Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.

Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.

I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.

If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit

Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.

I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”

A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>

Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.

[class trip]

I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm

DO U HAVE COWS?

Yes, it’s a dairy farm

DO U HAVE WHALES?

Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.

They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*

BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width