Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise

The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?

*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.

Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”

By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start

I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa

My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics

I just gave my cat a bath.

Your move Satan.

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.

I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me

This is bullshit

Cop: “License and registration please.”

*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*

Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede

This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.

Looking good, Kim! #LNSM

Cucumbers Anonymous

the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way

I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism

Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

We currently live in a house with one bathroom.

Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.

Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.