Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…

*Puts on sunglasses*

“Airline fracture”

Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?

Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat

My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”

And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.

magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]

Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting

Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

My kids are really competing for least favorite today.

a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday

Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.

BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it

Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.

when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad

‘Hey look, hot dogs!’

Dogs: *blush* omg thanks

I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

Simple enough.