My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
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Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.