All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
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Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think