My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
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Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Boom, boom, ching!
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever