Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out

Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?

[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!

Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

This is why you don’t eat at everybody house

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.

one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)

so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct

just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great

KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]:

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty

A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra

Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years

Me: I was at the karaoke bar

Cop: Oh I see lol

Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

United Steaks of America

I want to know about the Oreo incident…

Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs

Them: I think she already named them.

I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’

john wicks are toilet candles