My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
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You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no