My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
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Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..