“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
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the official breakfast of 2021
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.