Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

Aw cool firepit!

Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰

I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.

In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”

Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one

i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.

Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare

Librarian: which one?

Me: William

At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man

“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple

told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”

He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.

Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?

My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.

Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?

Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.

C:

Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.