My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
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[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.