My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
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I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
my mind
You just read my mind