My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
You Might Also Like
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.