Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication

my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.

[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish

I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi

Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.

I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.

my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.

Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day

Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.

How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.

We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.

My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

when someone rings the doorbell

Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.

Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.

Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out