My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
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Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.