My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
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(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
😎 🍻
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up