My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
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“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.