My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
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[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Blocking someone isn’t enough, I want their shirt to catch on a door handle
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
can I use a minion as a tampon
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment