My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
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Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
