Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to

me: yea i don’t

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.

me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin

dermatologist: aloe

me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin

Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”

The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.

Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”

God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?

Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.

“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.

“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.

*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS

Someone suggested I try online dating, but it’s like I’m already on twitter duh

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

Go girl power!

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”

cat people: dogs are fine

dog people: cats are sent from the devil

I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.