Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?

“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”

ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share

The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.

13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

Me: I love the 90s!

Grandparents: we have names

Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10

I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn

me: who wants to play two truths and a lie

guy who named the red delicious apple: me first

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

What do you call it when one banana eats another?

Cannibananabalism.

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.

Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow

Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.

Pick it up.

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.