my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
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On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*