Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.

Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?

“Yes, everyone.”

before you call me an idiot consider this: i know

Facebook: Look at my perfect life

Instagram: Validate me harder

Twitter: Does this look infected?

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not

Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.

Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]

What if you could clap with your feet?

the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes

My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.

I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.

I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

Got the results of my history exam.

Past.

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”

Is it the “S” or the “C?”

Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors