My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
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Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Happy Taco Tuesday
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?
Me: they’re articles of clothing
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Bro what is this
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.