Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here

The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:

Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.

Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.

If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.

Day 4: They suspect nothing.

📸:

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

my fav colour is also hitler

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you

bf: haha I know right

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!

ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.

This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10

Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”

Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

ME: *falls off the wagon*

THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.

Yes, I would take a bullet for you.

We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.