My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.
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There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
I…do not understand how electricity works.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Never forget.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok