My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.
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Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Oh my god
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.