My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.
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me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”