Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
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My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ME: I’m not sure
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.