My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
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Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.