My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”

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Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.


My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.


ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure



CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink


I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone


My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.


I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.


Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.