Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed

No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.

Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer

Cop: Please get out of the vehicle

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty

The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.

ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?

GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*

Being an adult is stupid.

TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…

My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement

I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.

If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

Me: I don’t think this is going to work

Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people

M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that