Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”

-guy who invented sports

How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.

imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.

The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.

Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?

Her: Someone tall.

Me: I’m over six feet.

Her: Someone who likes to travel.

Me: I’ve been to Japan.

Her: Someone with a steady job.

Me: I’ve been working since 1954.

Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?

Me: What? No… *Eats a train*

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

Watching someone cook is really sexy.

But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.

white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery

WIFE: Please stop.

ME: Stop what?

WIFE: Singing in the shower.

ME: What’s the big deal?

WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]

THERAPIST: Well?

ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog