My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
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wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
This woman posted her giant baby on TikTok and the Detroit Lions commented “dibs” I can’t believe we’re about to lose this app.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
🌲😼
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.