My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
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Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
lol
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Remember to drink the alcohol with the closest Best Before date first today.
*writes “Tomorrow” on the vodka
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.