My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
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Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here