My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
