Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

Don’t touch that.

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem

the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”

Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

[doorbell]

“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”

Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.

Worked great!

Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”

6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”

*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*

8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.

Children are a blessing.

[Scooby Doo at an interview]

Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture

Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

[shakes fist at other fist]

Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.

My doctor says I only have one diabete.