Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

Football Team: Huddle up!

Me: Mm, this is nice

FT: Who are you

Me: So warm, so snug

FT: Break. Break now!

Me: Don’t go nice man-castle

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10

librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try

Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean

brain: probably will be good in a minute

me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month

Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things

I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.

Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?

Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho

The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.

(Don’t need me)

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell:

devil:

first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…

devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up