My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
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My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
But is it really??
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.