My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
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The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
so i’m at the stock market right
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.